Kate Fucking Spade

When Scott drives me to the train station in the mornings we usually stop at Dunkin Donuts for coffee if there's time before I have to get whisked away to the rat race. One morning we had to park a few doors away and walk up the block. We passed a consignment shop with a lot of handbags in the window, so we got our coffee and I stopped at the window to take a look on the way back to the car.

And there it was. (Cue angels singing.)

A simple, little black bag with a red gingham lining and the label stitched on the front that said "Kate Fucking Spade, Bitches!" Actually it just said "Kate Spade", but I envisioned it the first way. I had always wanted a Kate Spade bag, but after going to the outlet store at Woodbury Commons where the cheapest one was $600 I figured it wasn't happening. Then I saw the price tag - $40! But WAIT! The $40 was crossed out with $25 written under it. A $25 Kate Fucking Spade bag? 0_o WTF was wrong with it? Did it smell? No, the store probably wouldn't have taken it if that was the case. Maybe the lining was torn - I could fix that! I had to see the bag for myself to decide if I should get it. I looked around but no store hours were posted. I googled the store and got their hours: Tuesday - Friday 11 - 7 and Saturday 10 - 4. Since the earliest I get off the train at night is after 7, it had to be Saturday.

So I told Scott "Let's get up early on Saturday. We'll go to breakfast and then go to the store so I can get that bag." He agreed. At least that was the plan.

So Saturday morning I get out of the shower and he's on the phone. At least he's showered and ready. I finished getting ready and he's still on the phone. Ok, I'll feed the birds. Start the car. Take out the garbage. Water the plants. Round up allt he lawn furniture that blew all over they yard the night before. I come back in with my coat on. Still on the phone he looks at me and holds up his hand saying "Five more minutes." Fifteen minutes later I'm standing in the doorway seething. Purse in one hand, keys in the other and wondering why his face isn't meting off with the glare I'm giving him, he finally wraps up the conversation and hangs up. GAH!

But we can't leave right away. Now we have to put the cover on the grill and do some other shit before we leave. FINALLY at 1:30 we're in the car heading down the driveway. I inform him that he can go to Dunkin Donuts first if he wants, but I'm going to the store to get that bag before I do anything else. He said no, he'd come to the store with me and then we'd go get breakfast together. Breakfast. At 2:00 in the afternoon. Better not get your fingers in the way because I am STARVING! And cranky.

And then the worst thing happened. We park the car. I get out and as I'm getting out I see two girls leaving the store AND ONE OF THEM HAS MY KATE FUCKING SPADE BAG!!!!!! I could feel the mercury quickly rise and explode out the top of my head. I spun around and I swear I could smell Scott's flesh burning as I glared a hole through him and screamed "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???!!!??" He knew I was beyond pissed. He was actually going to run down the block screaming "AAAAGGHHHH!!! IT BURNS!!! IT BURNS!!!!" to try to get me to laugh, but he thought better of it. Good thing too. It only would have escalated my rage and he would have become a puddle on the sidewalk.

I went in the store to take a look. Maybe they had another Kate Spade bag? Or maybe they had another bag I would like even better? No such luck. My bag was gone and there was nothing I could do about it except stew over the fact that if people actually only took five minutes when they said five minutes I would have that fucking bag right now.

Of course I took advantage of any oppotunity to bust balls about the situation. Like when we went to BJ's and realized we forgot to put an Ikea bag in the trunk to carry the stuff to the house when we got home. I said "It's okay - we can just put it in my Kate Spade Bag." Glare.

He did redeem himself a bit later at the Ecko outlet store. There was a pair of boots I wanted to get, but I thought they didn't have any more. While I was trying on a pair of high tops he came over with the boots in the color I wanted. :D

About a week later I bought a Kate Spade bag on ebay for $30. He said "So will this shut you up?" I said "Probably not."